by Matt Horton
DNF at 42 %.
The wicked king let out a great laugh, one so evil that his shadow on the wall looked like a serpent in the light of the dancing flames.
Sorry, but I hated it. The writing was far too fast and hurried and things happened and happened and there was action and action and action and there were almost no other linking words than and and or and the sentences were so long and unreadable like this same sentence here.
“Well, well.” Tulio grinned as he took a few steps forward. “The noble and brave Crown Prince Rykus. I wondered when you might arrive.” His eyes became visible and they were fully white yet dark on the edges, making him look like some sort of a demon and not a human and his jagged horns showed that he had been using dark magic for some time.
Of course Rykus immediately realizes that he must have been using dark magic for some time, after all he’s met dozens of horned demons before, hasn’t he? Oh, he hasn’t? Strange. Anyway, here are some of the things I was not okay with (I don’t think they’re spoilers because most of them happen right at the start and/or are mentioned in the book description on Amazon):
– ‚The witch’s eyes grew bright and reflected off of him as he came within inches of her. „You shall make an excellent stew, boy! First, I’ll crush your bones and I’ll use your muscle fiber and fat for the main dish, combined with cucumber, manim, and Narott Root and a small amount of spider’s legs, for flavor. Your brain, once finely chopped, followed by your eyeballs and fingernails, will make a delightful garnish!“ She laughed and clapped her hands together. „Shall I elaborate in sing-song what will happen to the rest of you?“ (the language is supposed to be horror, but the whole scene felt like it was out of a very creepy children’s book to me)
– ‚He looked down at the scar on his chest from a previous eagle race. He’d landed roughly in a ravine and nearly broke his neck and was left with a scar to remember it by. The three golden earrings he wore in each ear shimmered in the light of the morning and even his facial features were changing. His face was no longer full of the fat of youth but now it was angular and strong like a man’s. His body had developed rapidly in the last two years and, through training and exercise since the age of seven, he had become spry and athletic, much thanks to Felonius who had taught him archery, sword work and combat training. He would be ready for war if there ever came one.‘ (he, he, him…please try to get some variation in your sentence structure from time to time)
–‚“You’ve trapped me, your Majesty,” Sepheron whimpered. “My head is yours.” “No,” he answered him. “Not your head.” With this, he drew his sword and stabbed the creature in the eye, much to the amazement of the crowd. Sepheron bellowed and struggled as the prince cut his eye out, all the while blood and a wax like liquid splashed on his face and chest and drained out onto the ground floor. (…) Rykus kneeled down and kissed his father’s ring before the man lifted his chin. His face read of pride and amazement. “What you did was merciful, Rykus. Most in your position would have killed the beast. And there is no rule against such.” (Joffrey fucking Baratheon may think this is mercy, but I don’t. He’s basically fighting against a monster kept prisoner and instead of ending its pains or sparing it he cuts out his eyes, people. That’s not mercy. Anyone who thinks this mercy is welcome to come here and have their eyes cut out by me. Not interested? See, it’s not mercy.)
– “I hunger not for power but to carry on my father’s legacy.” (Very self-perceptive of Rykus. Don’t make your characters describe themselves. It happens all the time here. Let others describe them, or describe them by showing their thoughts. Don’t let them state stuff like ‚I’m a clever person‘)
– ‚He stepped down and out into the center of the crowd, holding out his hand and, at the urging of her friends, she began to walk toward him. Suddenly, a great wind rushed into the room blowing the flame and all of the candles out and out of the floor emerged a thick black mist which caused the whole of the room to panic.‘ (Remember that Two and a Half Men episode where Alan wants to be a writer? NEVER USE ‚SUDDENLY‘.) (Oh, I found a clip of that scene: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=37Gsw… )
– ‚Sverinth was the liege and spokesperson of the sorcerer, Dantis, who had trained Tulio, and she had not made an appearance in over a hundred years. Her threat was ominous and everyone knew that something wicked was soon to come upon the land.‘ (aha. So, why haven’t we heard of her before? I’m a sucker for foreshadowing, not a big fan of new villains appearing out of nowhere)
– ‚“I cannot go back,” he said as she rose into the night sky. “He said I must find the village of Hofni. Do you know of such a place? Can you take me there?” “As you wish, your Majesty,” the bird spoke while swooping down and out of the forest and they flew for quite some time before she spoke again. “Hofni, Sire.“ Rykus blinked a few times as the small village came into view. This was definitely new territory. Nothing here was frozen. The land was green and the village was brown. “This is Hofni?” (Yep, this Hofni, Sire. You wanna escape from this kingdom? Piece of cake. Only takes a single paragraph! SHOW US THE WAY!)
–‚“I do not know,” Rykus answered her honestly. He didn’t remember anything, for his brother had poisoned him with an enchantment which would cause him to forget.‘ (Don’t state the obvious! We know that he was enchanted, we were there! Readers aren’t stupid!)
-Time jumps out of nowhere: nobody notices when you change the year at the start of the chapter. Seriousy nobody knows what year the action takes place in. Just say six years later and be done with it when you make a time jump.
-HOW DOES HE RECOGNIZE HIS FATHER WHEN HE CANT REMEMBER ANYTHING?
–‚“I remember the day you came here as though it were yesterday,” she told him. “You were like a vision, Rykus. Now, you’ve grown and you’re more handsome than ever and now you leave us?” “You think me handsome?” he asked her, a small, uncontrolled smile peaking at the corner of his mouth. “And you wait this long to tell me so?” “I’m not the man,” she told him. “But that would have been wrong,” he said. “They told me I was your brother. You know what? I must leave. I am not from here.” “Oh, really?” she asked him. “You act as if I did not know that. The way your hair and eyes shone and the way you carried yourself, I knew you were from somewhere far. Is that where you leave to now?” He nodded and tightened his jaws a moment before looking back at her. “My people are suffering.” “Your people? What about me?” she asked him and it was all he could do not to stare at her full lips.‘ (OMG. Like, really?)
– and other stuff which made me DNF this at 42%. sighsI didn’t want to rant today, but I’m just…Sorry, didn’t like it at all.